Charismatic to Lutheran in 3 Months
August 24, 2021
This post is admittedly a departure from the rest. However, I wanted to put down somewhere the actual chronology of events that begin more-or-less where the Prelude ends, and add more detail to the final paragraphs of it - in order to share it with you, dear reader, yes...but more selfishly so that I'll have it recorded somewhere for the day when my memory of them has faded (more than it has already.)
We had switched churches right at the start of 2017 - a blind leap of faith based on various "signs" and promptings, and an action that I thought would demonstrate to God trust in him and embody the popular idea that "Faith is spelled R-I-S-K". I didn't know why exactly God wanted me to switch to this church, but it was closely connected to our current church and people spoke well of it, and I believed that it was going to be the place where my husband's faith would be strengthened. So, in obedience to God and out of love and concern for my husband, I let go of the church where I'd put down roots, and stepped off the cliff.
The first month was mostly euphoric and exciting, watching for what God was going to do. I got connected to the worship team (who needed a drummer desperately), and worked towards being able to play on Sundays. There were a few red flags that caught my eye (aside from the literal flags people were dancing with in the front), but I knew knew KNEW that I was where God wanted me, so probably those were things that I needed to loosen up on and learn to embrace.
But as time went on, another problem arose. My husband seemed to really not like the church. He would bristle with hostility, and the pastor's personality really grated on him. Time was what he needed, I decided; things would mellow out.
Unfortunately though, they didn't. Around the end of February he opened up to me about it, and he shared more information about where he was at spiritually than I'd been aware of. Without going into unnecessary details, lets just say that it wasn't good - far worse than I'd realized. My ideas that this was the place where his faith would be strengthened were shattered into a million pieces. And with that came the questions.
Wait a minute! This is not good! This church that I thought was the answer to what I took to be my husband's apathy has actually served to harden him and push him further away! But God LED me here! How could he do that, and then have this be the outcome?!
...he did lead me here...right?
That, though, was a big can of worms, a deep dark rabbit hole I wasn't sure I wanted to go down. How do you question something you've made foundational to your faith, and you've built your life around for years and years? If I tried to tease that knot apart, I was pretty sure I'd be untying the rope that held me suspended over the abyss. But the thought was there, and it refused to be ignored.
No longer did I give the church the benefit of the doubt. I started analyzing the things that were being preached, looking up the people who would speak in some of the videos we watched, started looking at the Bible more closely to see if what was being said was so. More and more I was realizing...it wasn't lining up.
All of this time I was continuing to attend the church's women's study group and worshiping on Sundays with drumsticks in my hands. I had wasted no time in worming my way into people's lives, and now there was that additional thorny issue: I was finding that I disagreed with my new friends more and more, and what was I going to do, LEAVE? That would be a really nasty thing to do, breaking down all their barriers and being welcomed with joy only to say, "Oops, nevermind"? So I stayed put for the time being.
I started spending a lot of time researching theological topics. After the first few long-held beliefs were knocked down upon examination of Scripture - and when I'd find online that there were others who had come to the same conclusion - it became almost an addiction, albeit a somewhat painful one. I'd have the wind knocked out of me when I'd realize what I'd been believing on some topic was false, but then I'd find I could breathe a little bit easier, and so I'd get up, brush myself off, and wonder, "Oh wow, what OTHER things am I believing that Scripture doesn't teach?!" and do it all again.
Sometimes I would worry that I was losing my faith, that this was what it was like to be "de-converted"...but then I'd think back to the core doctrines of the faith - salvation by grace through faith apart from works - and ask myself, "Do I still believe that?" It was like suddenly worrying that I'd locked my keys in the car, frantically digging into all my pockets, and heaving a sigh of relief when my fingers touched metal. Yes, I still believed.
So there I was, having a spiritual crisis of sorts, having lost what scant support from my husband I had had, abandoned one church and seriously questioning another, and I had no idea who to turn to. I realized I couldn't trust my current pastor - nor my prior pastor - to steer me in the right direction. I was scared of losing the few old friendships I still had, and the new ones I was cultivating. Blogs and YouTube videos were what I perceived to be the best option, albeit one requiring lots of discernment. I didn't know much of anything about what different denominations believed, and so labels like "Baptist" or "Methodist" meant little to me. Eventually though, I started thinking that maybe I ought to figure out which camp I actually belonged in, if only to find some framework, some group of people that I could identify with, instead of being some loon floating adrift at sea.
Meanwhile, I was becoming more and more certain that leaving our church was going to be inevitable. There were, I think, a couple of events that really made this clear to me. The first was the women's breakfast that I went to. It was amazingly well-attended, and I enjoyed the interactions with others (and of course the food), and ended up at a table right at the front for the teaching portion of the event. Our pastor spoke to us at length, and the topic he chose was the role of women in the church. Now this was one that I was fairly certain about, and though I didn't know where the line was exactly, I knew for sure that God's Word is very clear about women not being pastors. He proceeded to explain, using examples like Deborah, why churches who held to this restriction on women were wrong, apologized for holding us back, and encouraged us to follow the holy spirit's leading if he led us down that path. I sat through it, although I started boiling inside, and had I not been sitting directly in the front would likely have gotten up and left.
The second was a doozy: the issue of modern-day prophecy and the continuation of the miraculous gifts. I'd had words spoken over me before, and neither of them had really panned out. The first was that I'd write these amazing songs for the church, and despite spending many many hours trying to do that, I wasn't making much progress. The second was what I called the "jackpot" prophecy - that NOW was the time that God was going to use me to do some really amazing, miraculous things like perform physical healings and such. I prayed and I prayed, but no one ever got healed, and nothing miraculous ever happened. But wanting to give the topic a thorough consideration, I ordered a book explaining the cessationist position from Scripture and read it, and then also resolved to talk with my women's group leader about her experiences.
So, one week after our meeting, I hung back and went up to her and asked her if she'd ever had anyone prophesy over her, and if so if any of them had come true. Her face lit up, and she proceeded to show me a binder that she kept to catalogue all the prophecies she'd received. After reviewing them, and pointing to her favorite which included a prophecy about her husband that was completely off the mark, with a subsequent prophecy about her that was spot on, she explained that you had to realize that prophets sometimes made mistakes, and you had to reject the prophecies that were clearly off, and embrace the ones that resonated.
And that was the day that I stopped being a Charismatic.
I kept attending the church and playing the drums, but I also kept reading, I kept watching videos, I kept learning about what these Lutherans believed and why. I had a few questions, mostly about Baptism and the Lord's Supper, but man oh man, these guys were right about everything else! And even those topics I questioned, I could at least see where they had clear Scriptural support for their beliefs. Somewhere during this time - it must have been May by now - I found a list of podcast episodes - about 20 of them I think, mostly from Issues Etc. and Pirate Christian Radio - that had been put together to help people like me really sort through these issues and understand the Lutheran beliefs and answer a lot of the common questions. I'd never listened to podcasts before, but I resolved to give them a go and proceeded to spend around 3 hours per day working my way through them. It was information overload and I thought my brain might explode, but by the time I was done my main questions had been answered, and I realized that I was a Lutheran.
Unfortunately, I was pretty sure I was the only Lutheran in my area. I certainly was the only one I knew, no one in my family was Lutheran, and of course my husband was most definitely not. If my faith were going to survive, I was going to need to find something more than some Lutheran websites and podcasts. I still remember how hard my heart was pounding when I first typed my zip code into a website to find a solid Confessional Lutheran church, hoping against all hope that such a thing existed in my area, but being pretty certain that it didn't. The search showed that the closest one was 1.25h away, and my heart sank into my toes. There was no way, I thought, that my family would go along with that. But then I did a generic search for Lutheran churches in my area and actually found two - one was ELCA, which is a very liberal denomination and I knew was not at all what I was looking for. The other was a small fairly-new WELS congregation. Most everyone I'd encountered online was LCMS, but upon some research I discovered that WELS was also Confessional, and was a reasonably-good alternative in my situation.
And so it happened that one Sunday in late May I played the drums at a Charismatic non-denominational church, and the following Sunday, with much fear and trepidation, my boys and I walked into a liturgical Lutheran congregation, sat off to the side of the tiny group, and awkwardly tried to follow along. I was wary - I was looking for something that might be labeled "high church," with chausible, chanting, organ, weekly communion from a chalice, crucifixes, maybe even some incense, and this one had none of those things - but after a few weeks and talking with the pastor, I decided it was by far the best option in the area and we'd stay.
I know I gave some lame excuse to the worship leader at my church before I left, about why she shouldn't put me on the schedule for June, so it gave me a buffer zone before I had to really worry about explaining my absence. But eventually in mid-June I emailed my (now-former) pastor to explain why I wouldn't be coming back, and offering to meet up to talk more. We never did, and I really hated how things ended there, and what I must have put them through. But at the same time, I praise God for giving His sure and certain Word by which we can discern what His actual will for us is. Through it He pulled me out of teachings that were not only damaging to my psyche, but were flat-out contrary to Scripture. I came to realize that knowing if I were in the right church was not about feelings or signs, not about how nice the people were, not about what special programs they had, or whether or not I liked the music, how good the coffee was, or how comfortable the seats were. Rather it was quite simple: Do they teach what the Scriptures teach, and do they faithfully administer the Sacraments in accordance with God's Word?
I did go on to take the adult instruction class with the pastor - it went pretty quickly, since I already had a solid handle on what they believed and taught - and I was confirmed in August of that year. I taught my children what I had been learning, and they were baptized around the same time. I spent the whole summer voraciously consuming any and all Confessional Lutheran resources I could get my hands on, joined a Facebook group where I could discuss things with Confessional pastors and new Lutherans, and proceeded to re-wire my brain - a task that actually proved to be physically exhausting, but wonderful.
I am forever grateful for (and am eternally indebted to) the many people who wrote books and made podcasts and videos - like Pr. Bryan Wolfmueller, Jorge Rodriguez, Peter Slayton, Pr. Matt Richard, Pr. Jonathan Fisk, Pr. Chris Rosebrough - and those who took the time to answer my questions and help me see and understand the truth using sound Biblical exegesis. At different times I've stopped to think and wonder what might have happened if I hadn't found these people. Under the circumstances, I'm sure my questions would have come, but without satisfactory answers, I think it's quite possible that I would have walked away and abandoned the faith altogether.
So there you have it: a rather long post about a rather short period of time. But I hope that you can see though it God's great mercy in not abandoning me to my error, but keeping me in the one true faith.
I'll leave you with the text of the hymn from which I got the title of this blog:
(and lest I be misunderstood, the "foe" in my scenario is Satan who seeks to deceive and draw away believers - through false doctrine - into despair and unbelief)
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